Big feelings

Sometimes big feelings hit you with a ton of bricks.  This is one of those days.  I'm flooded with huge emotions and the roller coaster isn't giving me a break.  I call it a roller coaster, but there are a lot more downs than ups.  I don't know if it is homesickness, cold medicine, or what, but everything is just really intense right now. 

A dear friend of mine emailed me recently and asked if I had any English speaking friends over here.  While some of my Japanese friends do speak English, I don't have any native English speaking friends.  While it shouldn't make a difference, it really does.  When you have a friend who comes from the same place as you, there is a different type of bond.  A bond of commonality.  They tend to look at you for you and less at you for being special or unique.  There is (maybe) less explanations needed for everyday actions.  After 5 months of being here, I am lonely.  And it is really, really hard.  I am so fortunate to have my family here with me.  My boys are incredible and I couldn't imagine life without them.  But they aren't girlfriends.  That is for sure!

There are times that I like the solitude.  Especially as I am thinking about life and am overwhelmed with living here.  I can't wait to start gardening once the weather turns, which is a different type of welcomed solitude. 

I feel horrible for having these feelings, because the park moms are so great.  They have welcomed me with open arms and have been so kind.  Yet, there is a language barrier that just really impedes our relationship.  We're still in the "everything is great all the time" phase.  And as awesome as things are, they aren't that way all the time. 

Part of these crazy feelings (or feeling like I'm crazy) are from the meeting at my son's school this morning.  I really felt like "why am I even here?"  My husband (bless him) worked from home today so he could get the information first hand and translate any necessary information.  He was the only dad there.  Luckily, things like that don't bother him.  But I kept thinking, what is MY role here?  Am I ever going to be able to be the contact person here?  This is for my son and it is important.  Yet, I am not sure where I fit in.

I don't really have any point today.  I'm just struggling and that is part of living in a foreign country.  Isolation is one of the hardest parts of moving anywhere.  It is just exacerbated by not speaking the language.

I need a nap.  And a hug.  But what I really need is a good night out with my favorite people in the world.  The ones that have known me for years and love me during emotional roller coasters - both the highs and the lows.