Tantrum

I wanted to throw a tantrum today.  I wanted to stomp my feet and scream and say things I would later regret.  But the I thought of all the things going on in the US right now, and I bit my tongue.  My problems are so trivial in comparison.  

Who really cares that I can't seem to find actual vanilla (not "ba-ni-ra essence", which is NOT the same as vanilla extract) or that the fabric store didn't have what I needed after biking 20 minutes each way to go there?  Because in the grand scheme of things, these are minor irritants.

I can come home to the sanctuary of my family, where my husband will help me to figure out solutions.  I felt like such a brat for having such big feelings.

In all honesty, I'm just tired.  Between the stress of living in a foreign country and the terror of Covid-19, plus the horror of the riots in the US, I'm at my wits end.  So much in life right now is out of control and terrifying.  I don't have any answers.  But right now I am talking to my son about racism and what it means to him, as well as others around the world.  It is one of the most uncomfortable conversations I have ever had with him.  

We have been reading a lot of books and I've been trying to answer his questions, but I don't have all the answers.

All I really know is that people are hurting and they are tired of being mistreated.  I get that.  And me having a tantrum over not getting my way is just ridiculous.