I look different

I get that I look different.  It’s not a surprising fact.  I’m very aware of this fact.  I am reminded constantly by the stares, second looks, and random people approaching me asking where I am from.  These things I can take with a grain of salt.  After all, they are much less common in Tokyo in 2018 than in Osaka in 2002.  Yet if I make one more kid cry based on my appearance, I think I’m going to loose it. 

I’m used to kids liking me.  I like kids and they tend to like me.  I can often calm babies that are upset and befriend young children who want to play.  But here even walking past a child can evoke huge eyes and big tears.  Forget smiling at them.  I’d just as soon be barring my teeth and growling. 

My husband used to tease me that Japanese kids thought they were seeing a ghost (so scary) when they saw me and that was the cause for tears.  Sometimes that’s funny to me, but not today. 

It’s taken months to get most of the park kids acclimated to me and my appearance.  Key word: most.  Some of the kids still freak out if I take a stick out of their hair or offer them a snack.  And it hurts.  It hurts my feelings and it hurts my soul. 

Today one of the kids at the park was falling asleep sitting up.  Since her momma wasn’t at the blankets, I scooted over and put a padded vest down for her to land on.  The movement made her open her eyes.  She took one look at me and freaked out.  I felt horrible.  After she obviously wasn’t going to calm down, another mom nearby calmed her in an instant.  But the little girl kept looking at me with trepidation the rest of the day. 

I often blame these reactions on my appearance.  Maybe it’s my facial expressions or body language or language (after all I don’t speak the same comforting words).  Nonetheless, their reaction pains me in a way that’s hard to verbalize without tears. 

No matter my feelings, I don’t want to be deterred.  Maybe the kids just need to be exposed to more faces that don’t look like them.  Or maybe it’s something else.  I wish I had an answer.  I could really use that information right about now.