I gulped. I was not expecting this. Especially not first thing in the morning. I hesitantly asked him to clarify what he was trying to tell me. What exactly was he missing from America. He quickly began rattling off a list. He missed watching Daniel Tiger on television. He missed our house, specifically the kitchen. He informed me that he much preferred our couch in the US because it was "softer" for him to sit on. He also missed his favorite park, which we called Zip Line Park. The zip line at the park was not nearly as good because it doesn't have a seat for him to sit on while riding the zip line.
After discussing things he missed from the US, I asked him about things that made him happy here in Japan. I received resounding silence and then more things he missed from America.
With each new item, my heart broke a little bit more. I know this move has been difficult on him. After 4 and a half months, I though he had adjusted so well. He has friends and enjoys many things Japan has to offer. I wasn't prepared for this declaration this morning because there weren't any signs that he was unhappy.
Any time I have bouts of homesickness, they usually come out of no where. All of a sudden a wave of sadness or frustration will wash over me, overtaking my mood and making me feel almost desperate for contact with my longtime friends in America. Sometimes I feel so much further than an ocean away. The overwhelming feelings can take my breath away.
I often recall the scene from "Lost in Translation" when Scarlett Johansson is calling all her friends in the US. They are all busy or think she is having the time of her life. There she is, crying and needing a friend. Feelings are a weird thing. You can be in the most wonderful place on earth and still feel isolated and withdrawn, missing your loved ones. When you feel alone, it is hard to find the positive. And sometimes, you just need a few moments of sadness to then improve and find a good thing that helps you to feel better. The one thing that does help me is people - my people. So, I tried to just be there for my son and listen to his thoughts and feelings.
We distracted ourselves a bit with a quick breakfast and then continued our discussion. I explained that sometimes momma and otousan (daddy) feel homesick too. But we've also found a lot of things to be happy about in Japan. Sometimes the feelings of missing our old life would be very strong and other times we wouldn't really notice them. I don't know if he really understood what I was talking about. What he did understand was otousan finding Daniel Tiger episodes on YouTube. Upon hearing the first notes of the Daniel Tiger theme song, his face lit up with happiness.
After watching a couple episodes, it was time for Papa-no-kai (Piyo Piyo for dads). Getting out into the fresh air with otousan was met enthusiastically. Upon his return, he was in a much better mood than the one he had woken up with.
I am so glad my son comes to me with his feelings. But the whole topic has left me feeling guilty and more than a little sad. Causing him pain of any kind is so difficult. He is such a gentle soul. We've had similar conversations over the past couple of months, but nothing this intense. His whole world has been changed and he's had such little control over the entire situation. By the end of the day he was back to his cheerful self. I can only hope he was able to process some of his big emotions of today. And if he needs to continue the discussion, I will be here to listen.
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