No Means No

Japan is a society full of rules.  It helps to create order and uniformity.  Within a city as crowded as Tokyo, it helps calm the chaos because everyone knows what to do and how to do it.  As a foreigner, it helps me to "fit in" by doing things the "right way."  But how does one know these rules?  Look around and you will find the answer.  Sometimes you figure out the rule simply by watching.  For example, when riding an escalator stand on the left or walk on the right.  For other rules, there are signs posted everywhere telling you don't do this and don't do that.

As a non-smoker, I'm really appreciative of the vast number of no smoking signs.  This has been a huge improvement (once again, my opinion) since I last lived in Japan.

When one lives in a bicycling society, there must be appropriate bicycle signs.

Some signs just seem to be logical, but are pointed out nevertheless.

And then there are the more interesting ones...  This one seems to go beyond just "no soliciting."

The amazing thing to me, is that you don't see someone smoking right next to the no smoking sign or a parked bike next to the no bicycle parking sign.  People simply follow the rules.

I've been around these signs so much over the years, that I honestly don't see them half the time.  Since moving here, my son has noticed these signs a lot.  He asks about them constantly.  He was curious why I started laughing when I saw this particular sign in the park.

Ten rules for playing in the park!  9 of them saying "No!" "No!" "No!"  I was laughing because I thought how to play at a park was obvious, but other people didn't.  (My personal favorite is "Never use the play structure when it is wet."  We're from Seattle.  We'd never play at a park if that was the case.)  Suddenly it occurred to me why I have been so tense out in public, harping on my son like a militant mom - I wanted my son to fit in by following all the rules.  In order to teach him all the rule, I was telling him no constantly.  "Don't do this.  Don't do that!"

Back when I was pregnant, I received what I believe to be some of the best parenting advice ever from my Grandmother.  She told me to always look for ways to say yes to my child and reserve the no's for times of importance.  For the past 4 years my son has heard phrases like "we use gentle hands" instead of "don't hit" and "we sit on the couch" instead of "no jumping on the couch."  When he tries to wander away in a parking lot a simple "no" really gets his attention, because he knows I mean it.  This has really helped to define my parenting style. 

However, since arriving in Japan, I quickly slipped into the "no" mentality.  No wonder he is having such a hard time!  I've done a complete about face by quickly adopting the new cultural norm.  Japan isn't going to change.  They will continue to say no to get their rules established.  But I can change and I don't have to conform to every part of the culture.  I can still be a resident and say yes.

So I give my son an answer.  "I'm just laughing at the silly chickens on the sign.  Go and play.  Have fun!"  After all, he already knows how to play nicely at a park.

And later, I found this sign telling people "yes" instead of "no."