An international act of violence

I don't often write about parenting on this blog.  There are many reasons why.  First and foremost is because I do not consider myself a parenting expert.  I am a parent-in-training, learning each and every day.  I make a lot of mistakes and I try to learn from them.  In addition to co-parenting with my husband, I often reach out to other parents that I trust to ask for assistance, guidance, and support.

In turn, my kid is not perfect.  He, too, is learning each and every day.  He works hard to push himself to gain confidence, independence, and skills that will help him throughout his life.  Sometimes mistakes are made and often times repeated as he grows into a more well rounded person. 

Whenever I have a particularly challenging day, I always try to remind myself that I have only been a parent for 5 years and he has only been a kid for 5 years.  We take turns teaching each other and guiding each other.  Of course there will be bumps along the way that challenge us and make us have extreme feelings of sadness, anger, and guilt.  These are natural.  But what we do with these feelings is up to us.

A few days ago, my son and his friends were playing at the park.  They were playing in the center of a circle of bushes when some moms nearby heard a thud.  An elementary school student cried out and came out of the bushes crying.  She reported that my son had hit her with a stick.

I was shocked to say the least.  My son is generally very kind and gentle.  Just as my husband would never think of hitting me, we do not hit our son.  It was a parenting choice we made a long time ago.  From about the age of 2, whenever needed, our son would yell "I need personal space!" and then would take it accordingly.  But every once in a while, he has a surprising outburst.  I wasn't sure what really happened, so after I checked on the other child, I talked with him, encouraged him to apologize (which he had already done), and informed him that he would not be playing with sticks any more for the remainder of the day.

I also went and apologized to the mom of the elementary school student.  Of course, it was really uncomfortable, but it was the right thing to do. 

Later that night, I checked in with my son again.  I asked "Do you want to be hit with a stick?"  "How would you feel?"  "Is it okay to hit people?"  I wanted this to be a teachable moment.  He expressed remorse and understood that hitting people with anything from hands to objects hurts them and that is not something we condone.

The next day, we returned to the park, thinking the incident was over.  I encouraged my son to check in with the child to make sure they were alright.  However, the child had woken up with a headache and was taken to the doctor by their mother.  After the mom reported this to me, I again apologized profusely and offered to pay for any doctor bills (there weren't any because under Japan's universal healthcare you don't typically have to pay anything for kids to see a doctor).  But at this point, I started to wonder if there was something I should have been doing in Japanese culture.  Was apologizing enough?  Was I doing it correctly?  Did the other mother understand my sadness over the situation?

After talking with some of the other moms, I realized that sharing how seriously I took this was what was needed.  It made the other mom feel better to know I was not dismissing her child's pain or my son's behavior.  I was addressing it to the best of my abilities.

Although the child is fine, I could have spent a long time beating myself up about this incident.  However, I realized that my son was testing boundaries and he learned a big one.  I took this opportunity to remind myself about his need for gentle guidance from someone who loves him.

Parenting is hard.  I don't expect it to get easier because when I am parenting a 6 year old, I will only have 6 years of experience (and those 6 years will be focused on parenting a younger child). 

When our son was first born, my husband was given an instruction manual for babies.  Over the years, I've often wanted an instruction manual.  Now I'm realizing I need an international version!  I still have a lot to learn.

This was my husband's favorite instruction manual.

Photo courtesy of: quirkbooks.com