Lunch with the school moms

My son's school gets out before lunch every Wednesday.  Usually that would mean we could eat lunch together in the park or at home.  But today a few of the moms from the class decided to have a picnic lunch in an empty classroom.  9 moms and their children attended the lunch. 

I've been feeling a bit under the weather, so I scrambled a bit to make our bento boxes.  I defrosted rice from the freezer, put in some leftover veggies, a couple cherry tomatoes, some sweetened walnuts with tiny dried fish, a small piece of fish, some edamame, and ume.  Every day I feel more and more confident about my bento making skills.  The box should be about 50% rice/starch, 25% protein, and 25% veggie/fruit.  One of the main objectives is to make it as colorful as possible.  I find assembling them to be fun.  Luckily, I've been keeping my freezer stocked with lots of yummy tidbits to add to the bentos. 

I showed up to the school 3 minutes late.  My son was a bit upset with me.  "All the other moms were here!"  Geeze the mom guilt is brutal!

We gathered in the other room, where mats had been laid out on the floor.  Everyone gathered and sat upon the mats.  We all pulled out bento boxes, said "itadakimasu" and dug in.  I couldn't help but check out the other bento boxes.  My son has been begging for "cute bentos."  I asked him the other day if other kids have cute bentos - lunchboxes with food shaped liked cartoon characters.  Although I perused all the boxes, luckily, I didn't see any cute bentos.  There were lots of onigiri and little bits of various foods.  Frankly, I was relieved.  I am not even the slightest bit interested in making cute bentos.

After we ate, the kids quickly got busy playing.  The moms went around the circle talking a bit about themselves.  I, once again, froze.  My mind just blanks and I can't come up with any Japanese vocabulary.  It is so weird since I am a big talker and I am comfortable (to some degree) speaking in public. 

After lengthy introductions, we played a short game to try to remember each other's names.  As we clapped a rhythm and chanted everyone's name, it felt a bit like high school or camp, but it was fun, too. 

Just like that, our little lunch date was over.  I was mostly relieved.  But on the walk home, I found myself crying.  I know I'm tired, but mostly I was feeling super lonely.  I was struggling to not let my son see me loose it.  At that moment, I was just trying to fully wrap my mind around the tears.  I've been in Japan for over 8 months now.  I should be over most of the culture shock.  That stuff is usually subsided by 6 months in.  I'm thinking this upset is more based in a language barrier.  It is just so frustrating to not be able to fully participate and resulting in feeling like an outsider.

I just want to scream at myself and say "buck up and study harder!"  Instead I took a nap. 

I hate trying to explain how it feels to be in the middle of a crowded room, yet feel so completely alone.  I often slap on a smile and pretend like everything is fine.  But it isn't fine.  Loneliness is super hard when you live in a new country and finding a real connection with people is often very difficult.  Add in a language barrier and I feel like I am so far down river from everyone and there is no way I can ever paddle hard enough to catch up. 

Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day and a fresh start, because, frankly, my nap was not nearly enough.